On The Verge Of A Total Meltdown

Mountain retreat, vegetarian, meditation.

Those were the 3 words that attracted me to sign up for Mu Sang Sa's Summer Retreat. At that time I was feeling rather off-balance from life as I was working non-stop and felt out of touch and needed something to ground myself as I could sense I was on the verge of total meltdown.

However, I was in for a surprise when I discovered I had signed up more than I had bargained for. During orientation, I discovered that phone and other means of communication were prohibited and that we had to be silent throughout. It proved be one of the toughest thing I had ever done, even though I am not a talkative person. I found that the monks and nuns came from all walks of life and countries and it was the first time ever that I didn't feel out of place in a Buddhist monastery as everyone spoke English and had an approachable attitude. It was refreshing as I recalled that some back home seemed rather stern in their holy duties and definitely would not share an impromptu tea session with laywomen such as myself.

When the retreat started, we had to follow the schedule, duties and rituals. In the beginning, it was very alien to a business-minded city girl like myself. But after a couple of times, I understood the reason and benefits behind it. In fact, I looked forward to it everyday even though I could only get less than 5 hrs sleep rather than my normal 8 hours. Strangely enough, I was still able to function with energy and clear mind !

One experience that stood out was how humbled I felt when interviewed by Zen Master Dae Bong whom made me recite the poem, 'The Human Route”. It somehow moved me to tears. He seemed to have anticipated it as he whipped out a tissue for me to wipe away my tears. I remember telling him that it humbled me to finally want to learn Buddhism from a foreigner who had better grasp of it than me – a born but not practicing Buddhist who only prayed only when she had a problem. He struck me as a very wise and humorous Zen Master which was totally out of my limited experience with the ones back home.

On the day before I left, I completed my last sitting meditation with a huge smile on my face and felt truly happier and contented than I had ever been. All issues that used to be so big seemed insignificant to the impermanence of our lives. Answers just came to me on unresolved issues when I meditated, popping up in what I called my 'AHA' moment! Thank you all – continue practicing, go straight and don't check.

* “The Human Route” is an old Chinese Zen poem and can be found here.

TO, Malaysia